When it all started, I promised that I would be ok if it ended.

news flash, I am not ok.

but nobody thinks that the entire world will crash down at once. and if it was just her I could be ok, but instead, its everything.

i suck right now.

and maybe i'm making excuses, but do you really want to hear what is going on?

my guess is no.

cause if you did, you would ask.

Do you ever feel like your head exploding would be the most optimal of possibilities?

I do.

I did it!

I had Christmas on Monday with my family. With my sister being over 8 months pregnant, we decided to come her instead of leave her out. Unfortunately the plans were for the most part snowed out. But as Garrison Keillor so accurately stated this past weekend quoting John Lennon. "'Life is what happens when we're busy making other plans', people had made plans... those plans had change, and now they are experiencing life." I experienced a lot of life.
On Friday, I managed to convince my boss to let me leave about 4 hours early in an attempt to get to Staunton before the weather got too bad. Unfortunately, the snow came in a little faster and harder than we had expected, so after 3 hours of driving as it was getting dark, I was only halfway there. So with the assistance of my sister and my girlfriend, I managed to find a hotel and settled in for the night. I spent the night there alone and became increasingly frustrated when my plans of continuing on the next day were shot by both continuing snow and large amounts of traffic and backups on 81. However, staying in the hotel for that time allowed for a lot of time for meditation.
A few things that really challenged me. My girlfriend said something particularly striking, possibly out of frustration, but I still see a lot of truth in it. I was lamenting being stuck here and how the snow was ruining my last Christmas before I come out to them and everything will change etc etc. She responded "i'm a little frustrated you get to bitch about making bad choices you knew had risks. and i'm a little frustrated feeling like just existing makes your life bad enough you'd put your own life in danger so you could feel what it's like not to acknowledge yourself or me. "
and yeah. that hurt, but it made me think. It made me feel a little guilty that I was trying to salvage this facade of a family christmas. On top of that, my parents were incredibly supportive and showed nothing but love to me while I was trying to get there. I think the weekend proved that we love each other, and those bonds are going to be hard if not impossible to break. My sister who has known for almost 6 months now, absolutely loves me, and I don't feel any awkwardness for the most part unless we're having a particularly awkward conversation. But even those are getting better, more open. It's part me being more ok, and it's part her understanding more.

I'm not quite there yet, but I'm feeling better and better all the time.

this describes more accurately what I feel than anything I could ever say.

I tried to write last night, but things just wouldn't come out right.
Yesterday was hard for me. It's hard not to be yourself around people who love you and the only thing stopping you is fear.
I like to be in control of things. I like to pretend I have a bit of control about my life. I would like to believe that I work hard toward my goals, I will achieve them. I know this is not true, because I know plenty of people currently unemployed, struggling in marriages/relationships, and fighting disease who couldn't work any harder, but no rewards come to them. I know this because if that were the case, I would have remained in my relationship with my ex-fiance and never begun this new journey that I am on. But I like to pretend I have control.

This illusion causes my fear. As long as I hold my secret tucked tightly to my chest, I have control over it. Once I release it, I am no longer in control. Maybe I don't let go at the right time in the right way, and it falls short or soars high into the sky causing an impact on it's return that would cause anyone pain. Maybe the wind will blow and I along with my secret will get lost in the high grass. Maybe they won't catch it, and I'll stand there in agony, praying that they bend down to pick me up and hold me. Maybe they are as ready as they can be, and even though they've never done it before, have prepared themselves to the best of their ability.

but if they don't pick me up. If they stand there, in shock, looking at my heart on the floor in front of them. Seeing the red spot on their arm where it hit before it landed. Staring, staring, staring, and then, movement. But not of their hands and their back reaching towards me. A slight nudge from their toe, a turn, and wiping their shoes on the grass as they go, a walk away while I lie on the ground, bleeding and crying and waiting for someone to pick me up.

I know that doesn't make sense. I know it won't happen. But you all know, how you can know something but be so overwhelmingly plagued with doubt you cannot believe it. And then I panic, and cannot breathe, and seek respite in my home. Locked away, tucking my secret close to my chest, where it is safe.

My thoughts on gay rights.

A culmination of events has led me to thought. First, Sunday is national coming out day. There is also the National Equality march on Sunday which I will be attending. Plus, I've just had lots of conversations with friends that have brought me to examine my stance. I associate with people of all different types and there seem to be two segments of the gay community. There is the group that are very active politically and try to get everyone else to be as well. Then, there are the people who believe that it should be a non-issue and therefore do not want to make it an issue and bringing it up politically differentiates the community even more than "they" do.
But.. after some thought I have come to this.
It is not an issue who I decide to date/sleep with/commit to. The issue is that I, and the rest of the community, am discriminated against because of it. The issue is not with us. The issue is with those who have built the discrimination into the system and who continue to uphold it. If we do not speak our mind, they will never quit. If we don't make it known that we outraged, then things will never change.
Do I want it to be a non-issue? Absolutely.
But I don't believe the way to that is to sit back and try to prove that we are good people by becoming successful and keeping our sexuality out of it. It is unfair the way we are treated, and while I understand and respect the opinions of others, things will not change if we do not initiate change. Will there be backlash? Of course. Any time a discriminated group stands up and says, "you know what, fuck this, I am just as good as you" there is backlash. I won't say this issue is exactly like the civil rights movement of the 60's, or the earlier women's rights movements, but the general idea of what went on is exactly the same. Just like I was born a woman, just like my friends were born with dark skin, some of us were also born gay. As our country has decided that indeed, women should have the right to vote and own property, and that an African American man is worth the same as a white man, it is time that we as a country own the fact that a consenting loving couple should have the same rights as any other consenting loving couple. I totally understand that we have not reached real equality as far as gender and race go, but you can't deny the improvement.
I think it is vital that we as a community are open with ourselves and with others if we are to make any progress. Now, I am not saying that everyone should all of a sudden be out and proud and wearing rainbow flags all the time. But rather we as a community need to continue to work through the guilt and shame that has been put on us. We need to help each other and not judge each other for where they are on their journey. If we continue to defeat ourselves from within we will not move. We need our society to move.