Changes, Restarts, Transitions, and life

I am a different person than who started this blog.

Through my challenges of last year. My mental break starting in July and culminating in September. My self-examination. My exploration. My acceptance. Through all of these things I know I am different.

I have different challenges. My challenge is no longer to live. I can do that. I can get up in the morning, dress myself, eat regularly, and not cry for weeks at a time. My challenge is to discover myself, to build my relationships, and to succeed in things I try.

I'm in a current career holding pattern. Still working for the same company, an incredible company to work for, but not something I want to do as a career. Until I can resolve some of my debt/spending issues, I am there, and pursuing management as a temporary career.

Where did all this care and awareness of debt come from? My new person (the most accurate term I've found/am comfortable with). Never have I felt such a connection with someone in such a short time. I realize that everyone says that, but seriously. Corey and I never had this connection. Olivia and I had known each other for years before we started dating and it still took several months for us to share with each other to the same extent.

I met Leo just before valentines day. I was falling back into my pattern of drunken debauchery. Just beginning to drink again after a period of near abstinence. Still trying to force myself into someone I wasn't on occasion. To who I thought I should be. He never expected me to be anything different than what I am. And I want nothing more than for him to find and be who he is.

We started dating while he was living as female. I shared my past, my mental issues, my religious hang-ups, my alcohol abuse. He made himself vulnerable. He now admits that he initially quit drinking for me. I trust when he says that now he owns his recovery.

Alcohol is a funny thing. For both of us, our real problems are not with the alcohol, but with ourselves. Instead of going through the painful process of aligning our self and our cognitions, we drank.

It wasn't my primary escape. I stayed too busy. I fell into relationships and lost myself. I found temporary comfort in random arms. I got high. It was only in the last year that I turned strongly to alcohol.

He has known he was transgendered since he was a child. No one ever accepted him. I am not the first woman he's told. I am the first woman who has shown him unconditional care and regard. This is not to say that everything about this and how my feelings/attractions will develop/change.

What I do know is that I am with him right now, and I intend to stay with him. I care for him deeply. And I am willing to take the steps to see where this goes.

When it all started, I promised that I would be ok if it ended.

news flash, I am not ok.

but nobody thinks that the entire world will crash down at once. and if it was just her I could be ok, but instead, its everything.

i suck right now.

and maybe i'm making excuses, but do you really want to hear what is going on?

my guess is no.

cause if you did, you would ask.

Do you ever feel like your head exploding would be the most optimal of possibilities?

I do.

I did it!

I had Christmas on Monday with my family. With my sister being over 8 months pregnant, we decided to come her instead of leave her out. Unfortunately the plans were for the most part snowed out. But as Garrison Keillor so accurately stated this past weekend quoting John Lennon. "'Life is what happens when we're busy making other plans', people had made plans... those plans had change, and now they are experiencing life." I experienced a lot of life.
On Friday, I managed to convince my boss to let me leave about 4 hours early in an attempt to get to Staunton before the weather got too bad. Unfortunately, the snow came in a little faster and harder than we had expected, so after 3 hours of driving as it was getting dark, I was only halfway there. So with the assistance of my sister and my girlfriend, I managed to find a hotel and settled in for the night. I spent the night there alone and became increasingly frustrated when my plans of continuing on the next day were shot by both continuing snow and large amounts of traffic and backups on 81. However, staying in the hotel for that time allowed for a lot of time for meditation.
A few things that really challenged me. My girlfriend said something particularly striking, possibly out of frustration, but I still see a lot of truth in it. I was lamenting being stuck here and how the snow was ruining my last Christmas before I come out to them and everything will change etc etc. She responded "i'm a little frustrated you get to bitch about making bad choices you knew had risks. and i'm a little frustrated feeling like just existing makes your life bad enough you'd put your own life in danger so you could feel what it's like not to acknowledge yourself or me. "
and yeah. that hurt, but it made me think. It made me feel a little guilty that I was trying to salvage this facade of a family christmas. On top of that, my parents were incredibly supportive and showed nothing but love to me while I was trying to get there. I think the weekend proved that we love each other, and those bonds are going to be hard if not impossible to break. My sister who has known for almost 6 months now, absolutely loves me, and I don't feel any awkwardness for the most part unless we're having a particularly awkward conversation. But even those are getting better, more open. It's part me being more ok, and it's part her understanding more.

I'm not quite there yet, but I'm feeling better and better all the time.

this describes more accurately what I feel than anything I could ever say.

I tried to write last night, but things just wouldn't come out right.
Yesterday was hard for me. It's hard not to be yourself around people who love you and the only thing stopping you is fear.
I like to be in control of things. I like to pretend I have a bit of control about my life. I would like to believe that I work hard toward my goals, I will achieve them. I know this is not true, because I know plenty of people currently unemployed, struggling in marriages/relationships, and fighting disease who couldn't work any harder, but no rewards come to them. I know this because if that were the case, I would have remained in my relationship with my ex-fiance and never begun this new journey that I am on. But I like to pretend I have control.

This illusion causes my fear. As long as I hold my secret tucked tightly to my chest, I have control over it. Once I release it, I am no longer in control. Maybe I don't let go at the right time in the right way, and it falls short or soars high into the sky causing an impact on it's return that would cause anyone pain. Maybe the wind will blow and I along with my secret will get lost in the high grass. Maybe they won't catch it, and I'll stand there in agony, praying that they bend down to pick me up and hold me. Maybe they are as ready as they can be, and even though they've never done it before, have prepared themselves to the best of their ability.

but if they don't pick me up. If they stand there, in shock, looking at my heart on the floor in front of them. Seeing the red spot on their arm where it hit before it landed. Staring, staring, staring, and then, movement. But not of their hands and their back reaching towards me. A slight nudge from their toe, a turn, and wiping their shoes on the grass as they go, a walk away while I lie on the ground, bleeding and crying and waiting for someone to pick me up.

I know that doesn't make sense. I know it won't happen. But you all know, how you can know something but be so overwhelmingly plagued with doubt you cannot believe it. And then I panic, and cannot breathe, and seek respite in my home. Locked away, tucking my secret close to my chest, where it is safe.