I am going to counseling tomorrow.
I decided to go during a recent difficult period in my life. And, I don't know if it will really help anything, but I'm hoping that they will aid me in developing a plan on how to emotionally prepare myself for coming out and whatever reactions might follow.
We'll see how it goes.
Sunday, June 7, 2009
Wednesday, May 13, 2009
Sunday, May 10, 2009
too much sometimes.
It just all adds up. All the emotions from life, they add up and send me into a void. A place where there is so much to feel that the only viable option is to feel nothing. It's not bad things, or good things, so much as just things. Almost everything in my life is simultaneously bad and good. I'm in love! My parents can't know about her! I'm going to be an Aunt! Unless of course my sister doesn't want the crazy gay aunt around! I'm finally well again! But I am so out of shape that I can barely do anything and am at an increased risk for injury!
I worry a lot. I just wish I could know that I would be accepted and loved. And that I could make my parents proud.
I worry a lot. I just wish I could know that I would be accepted and loved. And that I could make my parents proud.
Monday, May 4, 2009
How I got here.
If you knew me before, you might wonder how I could get from "there" to "here". How did someone with faith so strong "fall" into such a grave sin?
I never fell, I never accidentally did anything. I was off to college at 18. A different world, a different town. Searching for a congregation to help feed my soul. I do not blame them, because I don't feel there is a cause for blame. My life shifted when I came to college. I had never met an actual gay person. My perception was so heavily skewed and stereotyped. I thought the only way to be if you were gay was that media portrayed promiscuous, heavy drinking, quick to commit lesbian. That's just what you do, you go to the bar and sleep around until you find someone who wants a second date and then you move in together, right?
When trying to explain that my girlfriend's roommate gave me mono, the doctor couldn't figure out how it was possible that my girlfriend had a roommate that wasn't me.
Now that I am "in it", a lot of the stereotypes are true (that's why the exist, because in some circles they hold validity). But it doesn't have to be that way. I don't understand why the community is so simultaneously set on equality and proving themselves different. I don't think we should have to prove ourselves equal, but in a society such as we live in, we do. It just easy to point at a difference and say "well I don't do that." But what do you do? The youth of our society has created a whole "hook-up" culture. So much so that there are studies and books being published on this cultural shift away from the romantic relationship and towards the one night stand and "friends with benefits" type of relationships.
I would say that the percentage of people striving for actual genuine relationships is shrinking, and that section of people fall into all types of other groupings. Gay, straight, christian, pagan, whatever. The problem with the people striving for genuine relationships in the outcast groups is that we're just as boring as the rest of you, so we don't stand out, you don't notice us. My girlfriend and I toy with the idea of making a video titled "Lesbians in bed" and after a long steamy intro it'll cut to a clip of us sitting in bed, doing a crossword puzzle on one of our computers.
I would bet that our daily activities don't differ from any other couple in our cohort. We get up, go to work or school, come home, clean up, make dinner, study, and go to bed. Sometimes we watch movies, play games, go out with friends, do coupley things, or just sit on the porch and drink a glass of wine. While I support the repeal of Don't Ask Don't Tell, legalization of gay marriage, and including sexual orientation into the definition of hate crimes, my whole life is not centered around being gay. That's not to say that I hide it in any way. I would say the majority of people who know me, know that I am attracted to women, and if they don't know, they probably would guess (apparently, I have "gayface"). But it's not something I bring up in conversation. I don't emphasize my girlfriend, I usually call her by her name, that's why she has one.
I have struggled for years. I prayed for God to take this trial away from me. To ease it, to eliminate it, or offer an alternate way. I came to a point where I had to recognize this in myself. My failed relationship isn't to blame, nor is the relationship failing the fault of my sexuality. That was a case of 2 people who were not postive influences on each others lives. I don't think my sexuality helped, it only enhanced his jealousy and insecurity which probably increased the level of control and abuse that I eventually woke up to and decided was no longer acceptable. That was a bad situation, but that relationship did not turn me gay. It was there before him. I didn't go out looking for a woman to date, but my girlfriend struck such a cord with me that I had to acknowledge that something was there.
I had been dating again for 2 months, and had probably been of 5 different dates or so. I was still emotionally damaged by my ex-fiance, so everything was going to be very casual. All the men I had met were nice, polite, intelligent (for the most part), funny, successful and some even pretty attractive. But there was never anything there. You know how sometimes you meet someone and you just know immediately that they will be important to you in your life? There was none of that.
I met my girlfriend at a coffeeshop through one of my close friends. We ended up hanging out as a group pretty much the whole day, and at the end of it, I knew that I wanted this girl in my life in some capacity, I wasn't sure what, but at least something. We went on a couple of what I thought were obviously dates, but I apparently had been labled as straight in her mind. I finally confessed feeling toward her and she let me down gently. We maintained a friendship for the next year and a half while we both dated other people. Finally it happened. That can happen another time.
That's all for this rambling post I guess.
I never fell, I never accidentally did anything. I was off to college at 18. A different world, a different town. Searching for a congregation to help feed my soul. I do not blame them, because I don't feel there is a cause for blame. My life shifted when I came to college. I had never met an actual gay person. My perception was so heavily skewed and stereotyped. I thought the only way to be if you were gay was that media portrayed promiscuous, heavy drinking, quick to commit lesbian. That's just what you do, you go to the bar and sleep around until you find someone who wants a second date and then you move in together, right?
When trying to explain that my girlfriend's roommate gave me mono, the doctor couldn't figure out how it was possible that my girlfriend had a roommate that wasn't me.
Now that I am "in it", a lot of the stereotypes are true (that's why the exist, because in some circles they hold validity). But it doesn't have to be that way. I don't understand why the community is so simultaneously set on equality and proving themselves different. I don't think we should have to prove ourselves equal, but in a society such as we live in, we do. It just easy to point at a difference and say "well I don't do that." But what do you do? The youth of our society has created a whole "hook-up" culture. So much so that there are studies and books being published on this cultural shift away from the romantic relationship and towards the one night stand and "friends with benefits" type of relationships.
I would say that the percentage of people striving for actual genuine relationships is shrinking, and that section of people fall into all types of other groupings. Gay, straight, christian, pagan, whatever. The problem with the people striving for genuine relationships in the outcast groups is that we're just as boring as the rest of you, so we don't stand out, you don't notice us. My girlfriend and I toy with the idea of making a video titled "Lesbians in bed" and after a long steamy intro it'll cut to a clip of us sitting in bed, doing a crossword puzzle on one of our computers.
I would bet that our daily activities don't differ from any other couple in our cohort. We get up, go to work or school, come home, clean up, make dinner, study, and go to bed. Sometimes we watch movies, play games, go out with friends, do coupley things, or just sit on the porch and drink a glass of wine. While I support the repeal of Don't Ask Don't Tell, legalization of gay marriage, and including sexual orientation into the definition of hate crimes, my whole life is not centered around being gay. That's not to say that I hide it in any way. I would say the majority of people who know me, know that I am attracted to women, and if they don't know, they probably would guess (apparently, I have "gayface"). But it's not something I bring up in conversation. I don't emphasize my girlfriend, I usually call her by her name, that's why she has one.
I have struggled for years. I prayed for God to take this trial away from me. To ease it, to eliminate it, or offer an alternate way. I came to a point where I had to recognize this in myself. My failed relationship isn't to blame, nor is the relationship failing the fault of my sexuality. That was a case of 2 people who were not postive influences on each others lives. I don't think my sexuality helped, it only enhanced his jealousy and insecurity which probably increased the level of control and abuse that I eventually woke up to and decided was no longer acceptable. That was a bad situation, but that relationship did not turn me gay. It was there before him. I didn't go out looking for a woman to date, but my girlfriend struck such a cord with me that I had to acknowledge that something was there.
I had been dating again for 2 months, and had probably been of 5 different dates or so. I was still emotionally damaged by my ex-fiance, so everything was going to be very casual. All the men I had met were nice, polite, intelligent (for the most part), funny, successful and some even pretty attractive. But there was never anything there. You know how sometimes you meet someone and you just know immediately that they will be important to you in your life? There was none of that.
I met my girlfriend at a coffeeshop through one of my close friends. We ended up hanging out as a group pretty much the whole day, and at the end of it, I knew that I wanted this girl in my life in some capacity, I wasn't sure what, but at least something. We went on a couple of what I thought were obviously dates, but I apparently had been labled as straight in her mind. I finally confessed feeling toward her and she let me down gently. We maintained a friendship for the next year and a half while we both dated other people. Finally it happened. That can happen another time.
That's all for this rambling post I guess.
Tuesday, April 21, 2009
thoughts of the day
Sometimes I look at my life, and I look at other peoples lives, and wonder where I went "wrong". My friends are posting wedding pictures, discussing honeymoons and anniversaries and baby planning. The people I have known the longest have husbands and wives and children. Even my baby sister is married. People a few years younger than me are graduating and starting careers. Here I am, 3 semesters from completing requirements to go to school for 3 more years, before I think about a career. 5 months into what is becoming the most amazing relationship of my life so far.
I feel like I've failed in some ways.
But I have to remind myself that I am taking a different path. I have to remind myself, I could be 3 years married this June, and miserable. I could still be that girl I used to be, before I challenged myself, before I put my foot down, before I remembered that I am a person who deserves to be treated decently (at the very least).
I look at my life and where I'm going and I'm excited about it. I feel like each day gets a little bit brighter and lighter, and less reminiscent of that very dark place I came from.
I feel like I've failed in some ways.
But I have to remind myself that I am taking a different path. I have to remind myself, I could be 3 years married this June, and miserable. I could still be that girl I used to be, before I challenged myself, before I put my foot down, before I remembered that I am a person who deserves to be treated decently (at the very least).
I look at my life and where I'm going and I'm excited about it. I feel like each day gets a little bit brighter and lighter, and less reminiscent of that very dark place I came from.
Saturday, April 11, 2009
to begin with
I guess I ought begin with the reason why I'm writing any of this down, and why I decide to put it on the internet. I don't believe that the exhibitionist nature that our country/world has adopted is a good thing. We twitter, we blog about everything, we make grand announcements on facebook ("I'm engaged" or "I'm transitioning") instead of telling our friends of the joys and sadness in our lives. I truly believe if we continue on this path, we will lose the ability to interact face to face with other people on a deep level. Some could argue that most people have already lost the deep level part of it.
I am a seeker. I am a thinking. I am a debater. I look at the world and see connections. How anthropology ties in with religion ties in with psychology ties in with sociology ties in with biology. But we all think we're above all that, somehow we as individuals expect to be out of the norm, but you're probably not, at least not in every way.
I post this because I want you to know who I am, what I am going through, how I grow, but I feel uncomfortable with your uncomfortableness. I don't want me forced on anyone, but if you want me, you have to take all of me. I spent far too long living a half life, refusing myself of what I am because I had been taught that who I am is wrong and dirty and hateful and disgusting.
I am not foul.
I am not inherently evil.
I do not spend every night at the bar drinking myself into a stumbling haze.
I do not do lines of coke in public bathrooms, off naked women, or anywhere else for that matter.
I do not wish to harm anyone, whether I know and value them, or not.
What I am is simply this. I am a woman, in love with another woman, just trying to figure out life like anyone else. I can only describe her as light to me. You know how when you hold a prism to light, you have to hit it at just the right angle, then bursting forth is a magnificent array of colors. She is that kind of light. I feel full, and joyous, and equaled. I feel like I have met my match, my co-conspirator, and someone who understands me (except for sometimes when I cry for no reason, even I don't understand that).
Some people out there may never understand this, and I can't make them. This is my place to voice my life without feeling the need to censor myself to save you discomfort. Because I will never know if you click the back button. I will never know if you hit that little X in the top right corner of your screen. But I will know that I have been open and honest, and that is the only way I want to live my life.
I am a seeker. I am a thinking. I am a debater. I look at the world and see connections. How anthropology ties in with religion ties in with psychology ties in with sociology ties in with biology. But we all think we're above all that, somehow we as individuals expect to be out of the norm, but you're probably not, at least not in every way.
I post this because I want you to know who I am, what I am going through, how I grow, but I feel uncomfortable with your uncomfortableness. I don't want me forced on anyone, but if you want me, you have to take all of me. I spent far too long living a half life, refusing myself of what I am because I had been taught that who I am is wrong and dirty and hateful and disgusting.
I am not foul.
I am not inherently evil.
I do not spend every night at the bar drinking myself into a stumbling haze.
I do not do lines of coke in public bathrooms, off naked women, or anywhere else for that matter.
I do not wish to harm anyone, whether I know and value them, or not.
What I am is simply this. I am a woman, in love with another woman, just trying to figure out life like anyone else. I can only describe her as light to me. You know how when you hold a prism to light, you have to hit it at just the right angle, then bursting forth is a magnificent array of colors. She is that kind of light. I feel full, and joyous, and equaled. I feel like I have met my match, my co-conspirator, and someone who understands me (except for sometimes when I cry for no reason, even I don't understand that).
Some people out there may never understand this, and I can't make them. This is my place to voice my life without feeling the need to censor myself to save you discomfort. Because I will never know if you click the back button. I will never know if you hit that little X in the top right corner of your screen. But I will know that I have been open and honest, and that is the only way I want to live my life.
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