how is it that sometimes I feel like the finest human being/girlfriend/employee/friend in the world?

And others I feel like a useless incompetent fuck-up.

Stretching my mind

I've started to share with my family, the fact that my partner is transitioning. This is one of the things he has challenged me to do. He has challenged me to stand up for what makes me happy, even under the intimidation of my parents. My mom didn't say anything. She said it stretches her mind. I suppose in a way, it has stretched mine as well.

It has stretched me out of a narrow sexuality label. It has stretched me to realize that I could be attracted to and even maybe love a man. It has stretched me as I introduce my boyfriend to friends and acquaintances.

It all stretches me deeper. Deeper is beautiful. Deeper is both peaceful and frightening.

I'm scared that I'll get hurt again. I'm scared that I'll hurt him. I'm scared that he doesn't feel the way I do, and never will.

I'm in a holding pattern right now. With my life in a circle, hopefully allowing me to prepare myself for where I am going to go. I could see him in my life. He said he could see me as his wife one day. And I could see him as my partner (husband is a little too much for me at the moment). We're just starting our time together, and I hope I can quell my fear and enjoy the time we will have.

Changes, Restarts, Transitions, and life

I am a different person than who started this blog.

Through my challenges of last year. My mental break starting in July and culminating in September. My self-examination. My exploration. My acceptance. Through all of these things I know I am different.

I have different challenges. My challenge is no longer to live. I can do that. I can get up in the morning, dress myself, eat regularly, and not cry for weeks at a time. My challenge is to discover myself, to build my relationships, and to succeed in things I try.

I'm in a current career holding pattern. Still working for the same company, an incredible company to work for, but not something I want to do as a career. Until I can resolve some of my debt/spending issues, I am there, and pursuing management as a temporary career.

Where did all this care and awareness of debt come from? My new person (the most accurate term I've found/am comfortable with). Never have I felt such a connection with someone in such a short time. I realize that everyone says that, but seriously. Corey and I never had this connection. Olivia and I had known each other for years before we started dating and it still took several months for us to share with each other to the same extent.

I met Leo just before valentines day. I was falling back into my pattern of drunken debauchery. Just beginning to drink again after a period of near abstinence. Still trying to force myself into someone I wasn't on occasion. To who I thought I should be. He never expected me to be anything different than what I am. And I want nothing more than for him to find and be who he is.

We started dating while he was living as female. I shared my past, my mental issues, my religious hang-ups, my alcohol abuse. He made himself vulnerable. He now admits that he initially quit drinking for me. I trust when he says that now he owns his recovery.

Alcohol is a funny thing. For both of us, our real problems are not with the alcohol, but with ourselves. Instead of going through the painful process of aligning our self and our cognitions, we drank.

It wasn't my primary escape. I stayed too busy. I fell into relationships and lost myself. I found temporary comfort in random arms. I got high. It was only in the last year that I turned strongly to alcohol.

He has known he was transgendered since he was a child. No one ever accepted him. I am not the first woman he's told. I am the first woman who has shown him unconditional care and regard. This is not to say that everything about this and how my feelings/attractions will develop/change.

What I do know is that I am with him right now, and I intend to stay with him. I care for him deeply. And I am willing to take the steps to see where this goes.

When it all started, I promised that I would be ok if it ended.

news flash, I am not ok.

but nobody thinks that the entire world will crash down at once. and if it was just her I could be ok, but instead, its everything.

i suck right now.

and maybe i'm making excuses, but do you really want to hear what is going on?

my guess is no.

cause if you did, you would ask.

Do you ever feel like your head exploding would be the most optimal of possibilities?

I do.

I did it!