to begin with

I guess I ought begin with the reason why I'm writing any of this down, and why I decide to put it on the internet. I don't believe that the exhibitionist nature that our country/world has adopted is a good thing. We twitter, we blog about everything, we make grand announcements on facebook ("I'm engaged" or "I'm transitioning") instead of telling our friends of the joys and sadness in our lives. I truly believe if we continue on this path, we will lose the ability to interact face to face with other people on a deep level. Some could argue that most people have already lost the deep level part of it.
I am a seeker. I am a thinking. I am a debater. I look at the world and see connections. How anthropology ties in with religion ties in with psychology ties in with sociology ties in with biology. But we all think we're above all that, somehow we as individuals expect to be out of the norm, but you're probably not, at least not in every way.
I post this because I want you to know who I am, what I am going through, how I grow, but I feel uncomfortable with your uncomfortableness. I don't want me forced on anyone, but if you want me, you have to take all of me. I spent far too long living a half life, refusing myself of what I am because I had been taught that who I am is wrong and dirty and hateful and disgusting.
I am not foul.
I am not inherently evil.
I do not spend every night at the bar drinking myself into a stumbling haze.
I do not do lines of coke in public bathrooms, off naked women, or anywhere else for that matter.
I do not wish to harm anyone, whether I know and value them, or not.

What I am is simply this. I am a woman, in love with another woman, just trying to figure out life like anyone else. I can only describe her as light to me. You know how when you hold a prism to light, you have to hit it at just the right angle, then bursting forth is a magnificent array of colors. She is that kind of light. I feel full, and joyous, and equaled. I feel like I have met my match, my co-conspirator, and someone who understands me (except for sometimes when I cry for no reason, even I don't understand that).

Some people out there may never understand this, and I can't make them. This is my place to voice my life without feeling the need to censor myself to save you discomfort. Because I will never know if you click the back button. I will never know if you hit that little X in the top right corner of your screen. But I will know that I have been open and honest, and that is the only way I want to live my life.