Wednesday, May 13, 2009
Sunday, May 10, 2009
too much sometimes.
It just all adds up. All the emotions from life, they add up and send me into a void. A place where there is so much to feel that the only viable option is to feel nothing. It's not bad things, or good things, so much as just things. Almost everything in my life is simultaneously bad and good. I'm in love! My parents can't know about her! I'm going to be an Aunt! Unless of course my sister doesn't want the crazy gay aunt around! I'm finally well again! But I am so out of shape that I can barely do anything and am at an increased risk for injury!
I worry a lot. I just wish I could know that I would be accepted and loved. And that I could make my parents proud.
I worry a lot. I just wish I could know that I would be accepted and loved. And that I could make my parents proud.
Monday, May 4, 2009
How I got here.
If you knew me before, you might wonder how I could get from "there" to "here". How did someone with faith so strong "fall" into such a grave sin?
I never fell, I never accidentally did anything. I was off to college at 18. A different world, a different town. Searching for a congregation to help feed my soul. I do not blame them, because I don't feel there is a cause for blame. My life shifted when I came to college. I had never met an actual gay person. My perception was so heavily skewed and stereotyped. I thought the only way to be if you were gay was that media portrayed promiscuous, heavy drinking, quick to commit lesbian. That's just what you do, you go to the bar and sleep around until you find someone who wants a second date and then you move in together, right?
When trying to explain that my girlfriend's roommate gave me mono, the doctor couldn't figure out how it was possible that my girlfriend had a roommate that wasn't me.
Now that I am "in it", a lot of the stereotypes are true (that's why the exist, because in some circles they hold validity). But it doesn't have to be that way. I don't understand why the community is so simultaneously set on equality and proving themselves different. I don't think we should have to prove ourselves equal, but in a society such as we live in, we do. It just easy to point at a difference and say "well I don't do that." But what do you do? The youth of our society has created a whole "hook-up" culture. So much so that there are studies and books being published on this cultural shift away from the romantic relationship and towards the one night stand and "friends with benefits" type of relationships.
I would say that the percentage of people striving for actual genuine relationships is shrinking, and that section of people fall into all types of other groupings. Gay, straight, christian, pagan, whatever. The problem with the people striving for genuine relationships in the outcast groups is that we're just as boring as the rest of you, so we don't stand out, you don't notice us. My girlfriend and I toy with the idea of making a video titled "Lesbians in bed" and after a long steamy intro it'll cut to a clip of us sitting in bed, doing a crossword puzzle on one of our computers.
I would bet that our daily activities don't differ from any other couple in our cohort. We get up, go to work or school, come home, clean up, make dinner, study, and go to bed. Sometimes we watch movies, play games, go out with friends, do coupley things, or just sit on the porch and drink a glass of wine. While I support the repeal of Don't Ask Don't Tell, legalization of gay marriage, and including sexual orientation into the definition of hate crimes, my whole life is not centered around being gay. That's not to say that I hide it in any way. I would say the majority of people who know me, know that I am attracted to women, and if they don't know, they probably would guess (apparently, I have "gayface"). But it's not something I bring up in conversation. I don't emphasize my girlfriend, I usually call her by her name, that's why she has one.
I have struggled for years. I prayed for God to take this trial away from me. To ease it, to eliminate it, or offer an alternate way. I came to a point where I had to recognize this in myself. My failed relationship isn't to blame, nor is the relationship failing the fault of my sexuality. That was a case of 2 people who were not postive influences on each others lives. I don't think my sexuality helped, it only enhanced his jealousy and insecurity which probably increased the level of control and abuse that I eventually woke up to and decided was no longer acceptable. That was a bad situation, but that relationship did not turn me gay. It was there before him. I didn't go out looking for a woman to date, but my girlfriend struck such a cord with me that I had to acknowledge that something was there.
I had been dating again for 2 months, and had probably been of 5 different dates or so. I was still emotionally damaged by my ex-fiance, so everything was going to be very casual. All the men I had met were nice, polite, intelligent (for the most part), funny, successful and some even pretty attractive. But there was never anything there. You know how sometimes you meet someone and you just know immediately that they will be important to you in your life? There was none of that.
I met my girlfriend at a coffeeshop through one of my close friends. We ended up hanging out as a group pretty much the whole day, and at the end of it, I knew that I wanted this girl in my life in some capacity, I wasn't sure what, but at least something. We went on a couple of what I thought were obviously dates, but I apparently had been labled as straight in her mind. I finally confessed feeling toward her and she let me down gently. We maintained a friendship for the next year and a half while we both dated other people. Finally it happened. That can happen another time.
That's all for this rambling post I guess.
I never fell, I never accidentally did anything. I was off to college at 18. A different world, a different town. Searching for a congregation to help feed my soul. I do not blame them, because I don't feel there is a cause for blame. My life shifted when I came to college. I had never met an actual gay person. My perception was so heavily skewed and stereotyped. I thought the only way to be if you were gay was that media portrayed promiscuous, heavy drinking, quick to commit lesbian. That's just what you do, you go to the bar and sleep around until you find someone who wants a second date and then you move in together, right?
When trying to explain that my girlfriend's roommate gave me mono, the doctor couldn't figure out how it was possible that my girlfriend had a roommate that wasn't me.
Now that I am "in it", a lot of the stereotypes are true (that's why the exist, because in some circles they hold validity). But it doesn't have to be that way. I don't understand why the community is so simultaneously set on equality and proving themselves different. I don't think we should have to prove ourselves equal, but in a society such as we live in, we do. It just easy to point at a difference and say "well I don't do that." But what do you do? The youth of our society has created a whole "hook-up" culture. So much so that there are studies and books being published on this cultural shift away from the romantic relationship and towards the one night stand and "friends with benefits" type of relationships.
I would say that the percentage of people striving for actual genuine relationships is shrinking, and that section of people fall into all types of other groupings. Gay, straight, christian, pagan, whatever. The problem with the people striving for genuine relationships in the outcast groups is that we're just as boring as the rest of you, so we don't stand out, you don't notice us. My girlfriend and I toy with the idea of making a video titled "Lesbians in bed" and after a long steamy intro it'll cut to a clip of us sitting in bed, doing a crossword puzzle on one of our computers.
I would bet that our daily activities don't differ from any other couple in our cohort. We get up, go to work or school, come home, clean up, make dinner, study, and go to bed. Sometimes we watch movies, play games, go out with friends, do coupley things, or just sit on the porch and drink a glass of wine. While I support the repeal of Don't Ask Don't Tell, legalization of gay marriage, and including sexual orientation into the definition of hate crimes, my whole life is not centered around being gay. That's not to say that I hide it in any way. I would say the majority of people who know me, know that I am attracted to women, and if they don't know, they probably would guess (apparently, I have "gayface"). But it's not something I bring up in conversation. I don't emphasize my girlfriend, I usually call her by her name, that's why she has one.
I have struggled for years. I prayed for God to take this trial away from me. To ease it, to eliminate it, or offer an alternate way. I came to a point where I had to recognize this in myself. My failed relationship isn't to blame, nor is the relationship failing the fault of my sexuality. That was a case of 2 people who were not postive influences on each others lives. I don't think my sexuality helped, it only enhanced his jealousy and insecurity which probably increased the level of control and abuse that I eventually woke up to and decided was no longer acceptable. That was a bad situation, but that relationship did not turn me gay. It was there before him. I didn't go out looking for a woman to date, but my girlfriend struck such a cord with me that I had to acknowledge that something was there.
I had been dating again for 2 months, and had probably been of 5 different dates or so. I was still emotionally damaged by my ex-fiance, so everything was going to be very casual. All the men I had met were nice, polite, intelligent (for the most part), funny, successful and some even pretty attractive. But there was never anything there. You know how sometimes you meet someone and you just know immediately that they will be important to you in your life? There was none of that.
I met my girlfriend at a coffeeshop through one of my close friends. We ended up hanging out as a group pretty much the whole day, and at the end of it, I knew that I wanted this girl in my life in some capacity, I wasn't sure what, but at least something. We went on a couple of what I thought were obviously dates, but I apparently had been labled as straight in her mind. I finally confessed feeling toward her and she let me down gently. We maintained a friendship for the next year and a half while we both dated other people. Finally it happened. That can happen another time.
That's all for this rambling post I guess.
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