I had Christmas on Monday with my family. With my sister being over 8 months pregnant, we decided to come her instead of leave her out. Unfortunately the plans were for the most part snowed out. But as Garrison Keillor so accurately stated this past weekend quoting John Lennon. "'Life is what happens when we're busy making other plans', people had made plans... those plans had change, and now they are experiencing life." I experienced a lot of life.
On Friday, I managed to convince my boss to let me leave about 4 hours early in an attempt to get to Staunton before the weather got too bad. Unfortunately, the snow came in a little faster and harder than we had expected, so after 3 hours of driving as it was getting dark, I was only halfway there. So with the assistance of my sister and my girlfriend, I managed to find a hotel and settled in for the night. I spent the night there alone and became increasingly frustrated when my plans of continuing on the next day were shot by both continuing snow and large amounts of traffic and backups on 81. However, staying in the hotel for that time allowed for a lot of time for meditation.
A few things that really challenged me. My girlfriend said something particularly striking, possibly out of frustration, but I still see a lot of truth in it. I was lamenting being stuck here and how the snow was ruining my last Christmas before I come out to them and everything will change etc etc. She responded "i'm a little frustrated you get to bitch about making bad choices you knew had risks. and i'm a little frustrated feeling like just existing makes your life bad enough you'd put your own life in danger so you could feel what it's like not to acknowledge yourself or me. "
and yeah. that hurt, but it made me think. It made me feel a little guilty that I was trying to salvage this facade of a family christmas. On top of that, my parents were incredibly supportive and showed nothing but love to me while I was trying to get there. I think the weekend proved that we love each other, and those bonds are going to be hard if not impossible to break. My sister who has known for almost 6 months now, absolutely loves me, and I don't feel any awkwardness for the most part unless we're having a particularly awkward conversation. But even those are getting better, more open. It's part me being more ok, and it's part her understanding more.

I'm not quite there yet, but I'm feeling better and better all the time.

this describes more accurately what I feel than anything I could ever say.

I tried to write last night, but things just wouldn't come out right.
Yesterday was hard for me. It's hard not to be yourself around people who love you and the only thing stopping you is fear.
I like to be in control of things. I like to pretend I have a bit of control about my life. I would like to believe that I work hard toward my goals, I will achieve them. I know this is not true, because I know plenty of people currently unemployed, struggling in marriages/relationships, and fighting disease who couldn't work any harder, but no rewards come to them. I know this because if that were the case, I would have remained in my relationship with my ex-fiance and never begun this new journey that I am on. But I like to pretend I have control.

This illusion causes my fear. As long as I hold my secret tucked tightly to my chest, I have control over it. Once I release it, I am no longer in control. Maybe I don't let go at the right time in the right way, and it falls short or soars high into the sky causing an impact on it's return that would cause anyone pain. Maybe the wind will blow and I along with my secret will get lost in the high grass. Maybe they won't catch it, and I'll stand there in agony, praying that they bend down to pick me up and hold me. Maybe they are as ready as they can be, and even though they've never done it before, have prepared themselves to the best of their ability.

but if they don't pick me up. If they stand there, in shock, looking at my heart on the floor in front of them. Seeing the red spot on their arm where it hit before it landed. Staring, staring, staring, and then, movement. But not of their hands and their back reaching towards me. A slight nudge from their toe, a turn, and wiping their shoes on the grass as they go, a walk away while I lie on the ground, bleeding and crying and waiting for someone to pick me up.

I know that doesn't make sense. I know it won't happen. But you all know, how you can know something but be so overwhelmingly plagued with doubt you cannot believe it. And then I panic, and cannot breathe, and seek respite in my home. Locked away, tucking my secret close to my chest, where it is safe.

My thoughts on gay rights.

A culmination of events has led me to thought. First, Sunday is national coming out day. There is also the National Equality march on Sunday which I will be attending. Plus, I've just had lots of conversations with friends that have brought me to examine my stance. I associate with people of all different types and there seem to be two segments of the gay community. There is the group that are very active politically and try to get everyone else to be as well. Then, there are the people who believe that it should be a non-issue and therefore do not want to make it an issue and bringing it up politically differentiates the community even more than "they" do.
But.. after some thought I have come to this.
It is not an issue who I decide to date/sleep with/commit to. The issue is that I, and the rest of the community, am discriminated against because of it. The issue is not with us. The issue is with those who have built the discrimination into the system and who continue to uphold it. If we do not speak our mind, they will never quit. If we don't make it known that we outraged, then things will never change.
Do I want it to be a non-issue? Absolutely.
But I don't believe the way to that is to sit back and try to prove that we are good people by becoming successful and keeping our sexuality out of it. It is unfair the way we are treated, and while I understand and respect the opinions of others, things will not change if we do not initiate change. Will there be backlash? Of course. Any time a discriminated group stands up and says, "you know what, fuck this, I am just as good as you" there is backlash. I won't say this issue is exactly like the civil rights movement of the 60's, or the earlier women's rights movements, but the general idea of what went on is exactly the same. Just like I was born a woman, just like my friends were born with dark skin, some of us were also born gay. As our country has decided that indeed, women should have the right to vote and own property, and that an African American man is worth the same as a white man, it is time that we as a country own the fact that a consenting loving couple should have the same rights as any other consenting loving couple. I totally understand that we have not reached real equality as far as gender and race go, but you can't deny the improvement.
I think it is vital that we as a community are open with ourselves and with others if we are to make any progress. Now, I am not saying that everyone should all of a sudden be out and proud and wearing rainbow flags all the time. But rather we as a community need to continue to work through the guilt and shame that has been put on us. We need to help each other and not judge each other for where they are on their journey. If we continue to defeat ourselves from within we will not move. We need our society to move.

yesterday

Yesterday was a beautiful day. I had been asked to visit bible camp to visit one of my friends who is on the more liberal end of the thinking perspective, although some might call her a heathen. Having reconnected with her, having the support, and the awareness that it's not all against 1, has been incredibly helpful, strengthening and liberating. She is someone I have always respected, and to know that she respects me and doesn't automatically condemn me to hell is pretty awesome.
While I was there, I was faced with the decision of whether or not to come out to another one of my friends from highschool/camp/youth rallies. He looked at me and asked me if I had a significant other, and I immediately froze. Then I babbled on about something and not knowing how he might react, and he looked at me and said simply that he would react with no judgment. How often do you, especially in christian circles ironically, hear that and believe it? So I told him. And he confirmed his stance as pro-gay rights/marriage, and told me how he was discussing in small circles, the need for a change in theological beliefs to accept monogomous, committed homosexual relationships as acceptable.
wow, more than I was expecting, or even could have expected.
So I was able to talk to both of them for a while. Mostly the initial friend, about how she came to her thoughts about it. I feel like most people, especially again within the confines of a condemning religion, will just accept that it's wrong and never think about it again unless they have to. She explained to me how and why she came to that, and we discussed just openly of how I want spirituality and religion in my life, but I feel rejected by it. But I feel like it is maybe opening to me again.
That being said, I don't know that the religion I grew up with, even if that group becomes accepting of homosexuality, is what I believe in. There are many factors of course. But I feel comfortable and happy and most importantly moving (as opposed to stagnant).

I realize that this is a public blog. I also realize that nobody reads it, and if you do you're not letting me know, so you might as well not be there.
I am in counseling. So far we have discussed...
-me not being totally comfortable with who I am (a lesbian)
-me desiring a type of spirituality and probably a spiritual community
-the fact that it is ok to not be ready to tell my family
-that I am good enough and worthy of a full and healthy life including relationships and spirituality
-that my aunt is a huge blessing to me and will be there to fight for me, stand up, and intervene when I can't
-that my sister may be a valuable ally

Outside of counseling I have noticed many things.
I don't feel guilty like I used to. I don't feel pressure to be out to my family now. They probably guess a little bit. There are people who are Christians, even growing up in the same line of teaching that I grew up in, who do not condemn me to hell. I shouldn't feel unworthy of finding spirituality and I should embrace it, but slowly perhaps.

And sadly, I realized that whenever I see a customer at work who is wearing a blatant Jesus related shirt, it makes me a little scared/nervous/uncomfortable. and that makes me sad for the legacy of Jesus.

tomorrow

I am going to counseling tomorrow.
I decided to go during a recent difficult period in my life. And, I don't know if it will really help anything, but I'm hoping that they will aid me in developing a plan on how to emotionally prepare myself for coming out and whatever reactions might follow.
We'll see how it goes.

late mother's day thoughts.

more than anything, I want to be honest with you again.