I had Christmas on Monday with my family. With my sister being over 8 months pregnant, we decided to come her instead of leave her out. Unfortunately the plans were for the most part snowed out. But as Garrison Keillor so accurately stated this past weekend quoting John Lennon. "'Life is what happens when we're busy making other plans', people had made plans... those plans had change, and now they are experiencing life." I experienced a lot of life.
On Friday, I managed to convince my boss to let me leave about 4 hours early in an attempt to get to Staunton before the weather got too bad. Unfortunately, the snow came in a little faster and harder than we had expected, so after 3 hours of driving as it was getting dark, I was only halfway there. So with the assistance of my sister and my girlfriend, I managed to find a hotel and settled in for the night. I spent the night there alone and became increasingly frustrated when my plans of continuing on the next day were shot by both continuing snow and large amounts of traffic and backups on 81. However, staying in the hotel for that time allowed for a lot of time for meditation.
A few things that really challenged me. My girlfriend said something particularly striking, possibly out of frustration, but I still see a lot of truth in it. I was lamenting being stuck here and how the snow was ruining my last Christmas before I come out to them and everything will change etc etc. She responded "i'm a little frustrated you get to bitch about making bad choices you knew had risks. and i'm a little frustrated feeling like just existing makes your life bad enough you'd put your own life in danger so you could feel what it's like not to acknowledge yourself or me. "
and yeah. that hurt, but it made me think. It made me feel a little guilty that I was trying to salvage this facade of a family christmas. On top of that, my parents were incredibly supportive and showed nothing but love to me while I was trying to get there. I think the weekend proved that we love each other, and those bonds are going to be hard if not impossible to break. My sister who has known for almost 6 months now, absolutely loves me, and I don't feel any awkwardness for the most part unless we're having a particularly awkward conversation. But even those are getting better, more open. It's part me being more ok, and it's part her understanding more.

I'm not quite there yet, but I'm feeling better and better all the time.

this describes more accurately what I feel than anything I could ever say.

I tried to write last night, but things just wouldn't come out right.
Yesterday was hard for me. It's hard not to be yourself around people who love you and the only thing stopping you is fear.
I like to be in control of things. I like to pretend I have a bit of control about my life. I would like to believe that I work hard toward my goals, I will achieve them. I know this is not true, because I know plenty of people currently unemployed, struggling in marriages/relationships, and fighting disease who couldn't work any harder, but no rewards come to them. I know this because if that were the case, I would have remained in my relationship with my ex-fiance and never begun this new journey that I am on. But I like to pretend I have control.

This illusion causes my fear. As long as I hold my secret tucked tightly to my chest, I have control over it. Once I release it, I am no longer in control. Maybe I don't let go at the right time in the right way, and it falls short or soars high into the sky causing an impact on it's return that would cause anyone pain. Maybe the wind will blow and I along with my secret will get lost in the high grass. Maybe they won't catch it, and I'll stand there in agony, praying that they bend down to pick me up and hold me. Maybe they are as ready as they can be, and even though they've never done it before, have prepared themselves to the best of their ability.

but if they don't pick me up. If they stand there, in shock, looking at my heart on the floor in front of them. Seeing the red spot on their arm where it hit before it landed. Staring, staring, staring, and then, movement. But not of their hands and their back reaching towards me. A slight nudge from their toe, a turn, and wiping their shoes on the grass as they go, a walk away while I lie on the ground, bleeding and crying and waiting for someone to pick me up.

I know that doesn't make sense. I know it won't happen. But you all know, how you can know something but be so overwhelmingly plagued with doubt you cannot believe it. And then I panic, and cannot breathe, and seek respite in my home. Locked away, tucking my secret close to my chest, where it is safe.

My thoughts on gay rights.

A culmination of events has led me to thought. First, Sunday is national coming out day. There is also the National Equality march on Sunday which I will be attending. Plus, I've just had lots of conversations with friends that have brought me to examine my stance. I associate with people of all different types and there seem to be two segments of the gay community. There is the group that are very active politically and try to get everyone else to be as well. Then, there are the people who believe that it should be a non-issue and therefore do not want to make it an issue and bringing it up politically differentiates the community even more than "they" do.
But.. after some thought I have come to this.
It is not an issue who I decide to date/sleep with/commit to. The issue is that I, and the rest of the community, am discriminated against because of it. The issue is not with us. The issue is with those who have built the discrimination into the system and who continue to uphold it. If we do not speak our mind, they will never quit. If we don't make it known that we outraged, then things will never change.
Do I want it to be a non-issue? Absolutely.
But I don't believe the way to that is to sit back and try to prove that we are good people by becoming successful and keeping our sexuality out of it. It is unfair the way we are treated, and while I understand and respect the opinions of others, things will not change if we do not initiate change. Will there be backlash? Of course. Any time a discriminated group stands up and says, "you know what, fuck this, I am just as good as you" there is backlash. I won't say this issue is exactly like the civil rights movement of the 60's, or the earlier women's rights movements, but the general idea of what went on is exactly the same. Just like I was born a woman, just like my friends were born with dark skin, some of us were also born gay. As our country has decided that indeed, women should have the right to vote and own property, and that an African American man is worth the same as a white man, it is time that we as a country own the fact that a consenting loving couple should have the same rights as any other consenting loving couple. I totally understand that we have not reached real equality as far as gender and race go, but you can't deny the improvement.
I think it is vital that we as a community are open with ourselves and with others if we are to make any progress. Now, I am not saying that everyone should all of a sudden be out and proud and wearing rainbow flags all the time. But rather we as a community need to continue to work through the guilt and shame that has been put on us. We need to help each other and not judge each other for where they are on their journey. If we continue to defeat ourselves from within we will not move. We need our society to move.

yesterday

Yesterday was a beautiful day. I had been asked to visit bible camp to visit one of my friends who is on the more liberal end of the thinking perspective, although some might call her a heathen. Having reconnected with her, having the support, and the awareness that it's not all against 1, has been incredibly helpful, strengthening and liberating. She is someone I have always respected, and to know that she respects me and doesn't automatically condemn me to hell is pretty awesome.
While I was there, I was faced with the decision of whether or not to come out to another one of my friends from highschool/camp/youth rallies. He looked at me and asked me if I had a significant other, and I immediately froze. Then I babbled on about something and not knowing how he might react, and he looked at me and said simply that he would react with no judgment. How often do you, especially in christian circles ironically, hear that and believe it? So I told him. And he confirmed his stance as pro-gay rights/marriage, and told me how he was discussing in small circles, the need for a change in theological beliefs to accept monogomous, committed homosexual relationships as acceptable.
wow, more than I was expecting, or even could have expected.
So I was able to talk to both of them for a while. Mostly the initial friend, about how she came to her thoughts about it. I feel like most people, especially again within the confines of a condemning religion, will just accept that it's wrong and never think about it again unless they have to. She explained to me how and why she came to that, and we discussed just openly of how I want spirituality and religion in my life, but I feel rejected by it. But I feel like it is maybe opening to me again.
That being said, I don't know that the religion I grew up with, even if that group becomes accepting of homosexuality, is what I believe in. There are many factors of course. But I feel comfortable and happy and most importantly moving (as opposed to stagnant).

I realize that this is a public blog. I also realize that nobody reads it, and if you do you're not letting me know, so you might as well not be there.
I am in counseling. So far we have discussed...
-me not being totally comfortable with who I am (a lesbian)
-me desiring a type of spirituality and probably a spiritual community
-the fact that it is ok to not be ready to tell my family
-that I am good enough and worthy of a full and healthy life including relationships and spirituality
-that my aunt is a huge blessing to me and will be there to fight for me, stand up, and intervene when I can't
-that my sister may be a valuable ally

Outside of counseling I have noticed many things.
I don't feel guilty like I used to. I don't feel pressure to be out to my family now. They probably guess a little bit. There are people who are Christians, even growing up in the same line of teaching that I grew up in, who do not condemn me to hell. I shouldn't feel unworthy of finding spirituality and I should embrace it, but slowly perhaps.

And sadly, I realized that whenever I see a customer at work who is wearing a blatant Jesus related shirt, it makes me a little scared/nervous/uncomfortable. and that makes me sad for the legacy of Jesus.

tomorrow

I am going to counseling tomorrow.
I decided to go during a recent difficult period in my life. And, I don't know if it will really help anything, but I'm hoping that they will aid me in developing a plan on how to emotionally prepare myself for coming out and whatever reactions might follow.
We'll see how it goes.

late mother's day thoughts.

more than anything, I want to be honest with you again.

too much sometimes.

It just all adds up. All the emotions from life, they add up and send me into a void. A place where there is so much to feel that the only viable option is to feel nothing. It's not bad things, or good things, so much as just things. Almost everything in my life is simultaneously bad and good. I'm in love! My parents can't know about her! I'm going to be an Aunt! Unless of course my sister doesn't want the crazy gay aunt around! I'm finally well again! But I am so out of shape that I can barely do anything and am at an increased risk for injury!

I worry a lot. I just wish I could know that I would be accepted and loved. And that I could make my parents proud.

How I got here.

If you knew me before, you might wonder how I could get from "there" to "here". How did someone with faith so strong "fall" into such a grave sin?
I never fell, I never accidentally did anything. I was off to college at 18. A different world, a different town. Searching for a congregation to help feed my soul. I do not blame them, because I don't feel there is a cause for blame. My life shifted when I came to college. I had never met an actual gay person. My perception was so heavily skewed and stereotyped. I thought the only way to be if you were gay was that media portrayed promiscuous, heavy drinking, quick to commit lesbian. That's just what you do, you go to the bar and sleep around until you find someone who wants a second date and then you move in together, right?
When trying to explain that my girlfriend's roommate gave me mono, the doctor couldn't figure out how it was possible that my girlfriend had a roommate that wasn't me.
Now that I am "in it", a lot of the stereotypes are true (that's why the exist, because in some circles they hold validity). But it doesn't have to be that way. I don't understand why the community is so simultaneously set on equality and proving themselves different. I don't think we should have to prove ourselves equal, but in a society such as we live in, we do. It just easy to point at a difference and say "well I don't do that." But what do you do? The youth of our society has created a whole "hook-up" culture. So much so that there are studies and books being published on this cultural shift away from the romantic relationship and towards the one night stand and "friends with benefits" type of relationships.
I would say that the percentage of people striving for actual genuine relationships is shrinking, and that section of people fall into all types of other groupings. Gay, straight, christian, pagan, whatever. The problem with the people striving for genuine relationships in the outcast groups is that we're just as boring as the rest of you, so we don't stand out, you don't notice us. My girlfriend and I toy with the idea of making a video titled "Lesbians in bed" and after a long steamy intro it'll cut to a clip of us sitting in bed, doing a crossword puzzle on one of our computers.
I would bet that our daily activities don't differ from any other couple in our cohort. We get up, go to work or school, come home, clean up, make dinner, study, and go to bed. Sometimes we watch movies, play games, go out with friends, do coupley things, or just sit on the porch and drink a glass of wine. While I support the repeal of Don't Ask Don't Tell, legalization of gay marriage, and including sexual orientation into the definition of hate crimes, my whole life is not centered around being gay. That's not to say that I hide it in any way. I would say the majority of people who know me, know that I am attracted to women, and if they don't know, they probably would guess (apparently, I have "gayface"). But it's not something I bring up in conversation. I don't emphasize my girlfriend, I usually call her by her name, that's why she has one.
I have struggled for years. I prayed for God to take this trial away from me. To ease it, to eliminate it, or offer an alternate way. I came to a point where I had to recognize this in myself. My failed relationship isn't to blame, nor is the relationship failing the fault of my sexuality. That was a case of 2 people who were not postive influences on each others lives. I don't think my sexuality helped, it only enhanced his jealousy and insecurity which probably increased the level of control and abuse that I eventually woke up to and decided was no longer acceptable. That was a bad situation, but that relationship did not turn me gay. It was there before him. I didn't go out looking for a woman to date, but my girlfriend struck such a cord with me that I had to acknowledge that something was there.
I had been dating again for 2 months, and had probably been of 5 different dates or so. I was still emotionally damaged by my ex-fiance, so everything was going to be very casual. All the men I had met were nice, polite, intelligent (for the most part), funny, successful and some even pretty attractive. But there was never anything there. You know how sometimes you meet someone and you just know immediately that they will be important to you in your life? There was none of that.
I met my girlfriend at a coffeeshop through one of my close friends. We ended up hanging out as a group pretty much the whole day, and at the end of it, I knew that I wanted this girl in my life in some capacity, I wasn't sure what, but at least something. We went on a couple of what I thought were obviously dates, but I apparently had been labled as straight in her mind. I finally confessed feeling toward her and she let me down gently. We maintained a friendship for the next year and a half while we both dated other people. Finally it happened. That can happen another time.
That's all for this rambling post I guess.

thoughts of the day

Sometimes I look at my life, and I look at other peoples lives, and wonder where I went "wrong". My friends are posting wedding pictures, discussing honeymoons and anniversaries and baby planning. The people I have known the longest have husbands and wives and children. Even my baby sister is married. People a few years younger than me are graduating and starting careers. Here I am, 3 semesters from completing requirements to go to school for 3 more years, before I think about a career. 5 months into what is becoming the most amazing relationship of my life so far.
I feel like I've failed in some ways.
But I have to remind myself that I am taking a different path. I have to remind myself, I could be 3 years married this June, and miserable. I could still be that girl I used to be, before I challenged myself, before I put my foot down, before I remembered that I am a person who deserves to be treated decently (at the very least).
I look at my life and where I'm going and I'm excited about it. I feel like each day gets a little bit brighter and lighter, and less reminiscent of that very dark place I came from.

to begin with

I guess I ought begin with the reason why I'm writing any of this down, and why I decide to put it on the internet. I don't believe that the exhibitionist nature that our country/world has adopted is a good thing. We twitter, we blog about everything, we make grand announcements on facebook ("I'm engaged" or "I'm transitioning") instead of telling our friends of the joys and sadness in our lives. I truly believe if we continue on this path, we will lose the ability to interact face to face with other people on a deep level. Some could argue that most people have already lost the deep level part of it.
I am a seeker. I am a thinking. I am a debater. I look at the world and see connections. How anthropology ties in with religion ties in with psychology ties in with sociology ties in with biology. But we all think we're above all that, somehow we as individuals expect to be out of the norm, but you're probably not, at least not in every way.
I post this because I want you to know who I am, what I am going through, how I grow, but I feel uncomfortable with your uncomfortableness. I don't want me forced on anyone, but if you want me, you have to take all of me. I spent far too long living a half life, refusing myself of what I am because I had been taught that who I am is wrong and dirty and hateful and disgusting.
I am not foul.
I am not inherently evil.
I do not spend every night at the bar drinking myself into a stumbling haze.
I do not do lines of coke in public bathrooms, off naked women, or anywhere else for that matter.
I do not wish to harm anyone, whether I know and value them, or not.

What I am is simply this. I am a woman, in love with another woman, just trying to figure out life like anyone else. I can only describe her as light to me. You know how when you hold a prism to light, you have to hit it at just the right angle, then bursting forth is a magnificent array of colors. She is that kind of light. I feel full, and joyous, and equaled. I feel like I have met my match, my co-conspirator, and someone who understands me (except for sometimes when I cry for no reason, even I don't understand that).

Some people out there may never understand this, and I can't make them. This is my place to voice my life without feeling the need to censor myself to save you discomfort. Because I will never know if you click the back button. I will never know if you hit that little X in the top right corner of your screen. But I will know that I have been open and honest, and that is the only way I want to live my life.